Alex Cosio
Pastor of Hispanic Ministries
It has been some time since Diana and Fred said their wedding vows and began their life as a married couple. Their marriage has gone through difficult times because of Fred's exploding character and the emotional and sometimes physical abuse of both. Diana has looked for help with a pastor but Fred has rejected the help and does not accept responsibility in the conflict. It seems like any attempts to reconcile is not working. Can they be happy some day?
These are fictitious characters but reflect what many of us go
through in our own marriages. For some the solution is separation and/or divorce. Some others remain together for the wrong reasons but live miserably.
What is the secret for a happy marriage? The Lord Jesus Christ
in the gospel of Matthew 7:24-27 in the conclusion of the Sermon on the Mount tells a wonderful illustration that has transformed millions of people for two thousand years. Whoever hears his Word and puts them to practice, is like a man who builds his house upon the rock. When the winds blow and the rain come and the rivers run and hit with might against the house, it will stand because is foundation is the Rock. But whoever hears his Word and does not put them to practice is like a fool who builds his house upon the sand. When the winds blow and the rain come and the rivers run and hit with might against the house it will come down and its ruin will be great.
Build your house, your life, your marriage, your family on the Rock. We all have setbacks and difficulties, the difference is whether you put the Word of God into practice in your own life or not. May God bless you and your marriage and your family!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Ten Tips to Remember when in a Conflict
Peter Dubbelman
Family Life Pastor
1. Focus on where you need to improve rather than on your spouse’s failures. But don’t follow up such thoughts with a criticism; e.g., “I know I could be better about telling you when I am coming home late, but you could also . . .”
2. Dwell on what is good about your relationship and your spouse not visa versa.
3. Stop the fight and escalating tension, until you can constructively communicate.
4. Don’t demand to be heard. Instead, be quick to listen.
5. Select an appropriate time and place to work out your present conflict. A public setting might keep emotions in place.
6. Avoid using words like “always” and “never;” e.g., “You are “always” late.”
7. Use “I” confessions instead of you accusations; e.g., “I sometimes feel ignored, when you do . . .” will go over a lot better than “You never pay attention to me.”
8. Be quick to admit your fault in the present dynamic but not in an explanatory way; e.g., say, “I’m really sorry that I did . . .” instead of saying, “I’m really sorry that I did … but I only did so because you did . . .”
9. Instead of waiting for your spouse to express their sorrow over the hurt their wrong behavior has caused you, take the lead in doing so.
10. Be aware of what is really at the root of the issue and speak these thoughts with care; e.g., don’t say “I hate football,” if what you really mean is “I value your company and companionship; I wish we could spend more time together on Saturday afternoons. How about I watch one game with you and instead of you watching a second game we do . . .”
If your relationship has crumbled to pieces, you, all by yourself, can play a major part in seeing God miraculously restore it. Read The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. You marriage really is the most important thing you will do outside of your relationship with God. If my wife or I can ever be of ANY help to your marriage, please contact me: peter@apexbaptist.org.
Family Life Pastor
1. Focus on where you need to improve rather than on your spouse’s failures. But don’t follow up such thoughts with a criticism; e.g., “I know I could be better about telling you when I am coming home late, but you could also . . .”
2. Dwell on what is good about your relationship and your spouse not visa versa.
3. Stop the fight and escalating tension, until you can constructively communicate.
4. Don’t demand to be heard. Instead, be quick to listen.
5. Select an appropriate time and place to work out your present conflict. A public setting might keep emotions in place.
6. Avoid using words like “always” and “never;” e.g., “You are “always” late.”
7. Use “I” confessions instead of you accusations; e.g., “I sometimes feel ignored, when you do . . .” will go over a lot better than “You never pay attention to me.”
8. Be quick to admit your fault in the present dynamic but not in an explanatory way; e.g., say, “I’m really sorry that I did . . .” instead of saying, “I’m really sorry that I did … but I only did so because you did . . .”
9. Instead of waiting for your spouse to express their sorrow over the hurt their wrong behavior has caused you, take the lead in doing so.
10. Be aware of what is really at the root of the issue and speak these thoughts with care; e.g., don’t say “I hate football,” if what you really mean is “I value your company and companionship; I wish we could spend more time together on Saturday afternoons. How about I watch one game with you and instead of you watching a second game we do . . .”
If your relationship has crumbled to pieces, you, all by yourself, can play a major part in seeing God miraculously restore it. Read The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. You marriage really is the most important thing you will do outside of your relationship with God. If my wife or I can ever be of ANY help to your marriage, please contact me: peter@apexbaptist.org.
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