Dealing with Conflict

Nathan Stam
Children/Communications Pastor

Recently, I finished a wonderful book by Duane Elmer entitled "Cross Cultural Conflict: Building Relationships for Effective Ministry."

While it might seem strange that we could possibly have conflict in a church setting the truth is that we and we need to be equipped in how to handle it in a way that is Christ-honoring. Elmer lists ten general rules for dealing with conflict that are helpful in approaching any touchy situation:

1. Ask yourself whether this is worthy of attention or should be let go. (THIS IS A HUGE ONE!)
2. Make your approach one of concern for the person and for preservation of the relationship.
3. Seek understanding through inquiry before forming judgments and making accusations.
4. Separate facts from rumor, partial information feelings and interpretation.
5. Consider how much stress the relationship can bear; this will help you tell how much time and sensitivity will be required.
6. Put yourself in the other person’s place and try to appreciate his or her perspective on the matter.
7. Address behaviors rather than motivation.
8. When you detect tense emotions or defensiveness, back up and give assurances of friendship and your desire to understand.
9. Frequently acknowledge and summarize what the other person has said to assure accuracy of understanding for both parties.
10. Believe a win-win resolution is possible if both parties can remain calm, understand each other’s interests and negotiate with integrity and fairness.