Ten Tips to Remember when in a Conflict

Peter Dubbelman
Family Life Pastor


1. Focus on where you need to improve rather than on your spouse’s failures. But don’t follow up such thoughts with a criticism; e.g., “I know I could be better about telling you when I am coming home late, but you could also . . .”

2. Dwell on what is good about your relationship and your spouse not visa versa.

3. Stop the fight and escalating tension, until you can constructively communicate.

4. Don’t demand to be heard. Instead, be quick to listen.

5. Select an appropriate time and place to work out your present conflict. A public setting might keep emotions in place.

6. Avoid using words like “always” and “never;” e.g., “You are “always” late.”

7. Use “I” confessions instead of you accusations; e.g., “I sometimes feel ignored, when you do . . .” will go over a lot better than “You never pay attention to me.”

8. Be quick to admit your fault in the present dynamic but not in an explanatory way; e.g., say, “I’m really sorry that I did . . .” instead of saying, “I’m really sorry that I did … but I only did so because you did . . .”

9. Instead of waiting for your spouse to express their sorrow over the hurt their wrong behavior has caused you, take the lead in doing so.

10. Be aware of what is really at the root of the issue and speak these thoughts with care; e.g., don’t say “I hate football,” if what you really mean is “I value your company and companionship; I wish we could spend more time together on Saturday afternoons. How about I watch one game with you and instead of you watching a second game we do . . .”

If your relationship has crumbled to pieces, you, all by yourself, can play a major part in seeing God miraculously restore it. Read The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. You marriage really is the most important thing you will do outside of your relationship with God. If my wife or I can ever be of ANY help to your marriage, please contact me: peter@apexbaptist.org.